Why self-compassion is your secret to leadership success
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In leadership, there’s often an unspoken mantra that to succeed you must do more, be more to achieve more.
We take on these messages, that leadership is about hard work, sacrifice and pushing through exhaustion.
We read it all the time but has anyone ever stopped to figure out how these messages have normalised themselves in business leadership?
Flip lens to look at leadership in military and sports and for sure there’s hard work and sacrifice but a recognition peak performance comes from care.
This weekend as you cheer on your on your favourite sporting team do you really think their success is assured by the coach training them to the point of exhaustion just before they go out on the field. Of course not.
The real key to exceptional leadership is being kinder to yourself. Self-compassion isn’t a luxury – it’s a necessity for sustained leadership.
It’s not something others can give you. It’s a habit you need to build if you strive to lead with authenticity, confidence and sustainability.
The Leadership Trap: Doing More, Achieving Less
Let’s talk about ‘hustle mentality’. I bet many of you, like me, at some point of your career, have found yourself stuck in hustle mentality. You know the one – work harder, push through the fatigue. First one in. Last one out.
Showing our willingness to sacrifice ourselves becomes a badge of honour, a sign of loyalty for many leaders. And there are times when I’ve worn it myself, thinking that’s what they want. But the truth of course; this mindset doesn’t lead to success, instead it’s a fast track to burnout.
And three uncomfortable truths:
- This mindset doesn’t foster success, it leads to burnout
- No-one can hustle at the pace of burnout and still lead effectively
- Looking for compassion after you’ve burned out is foolish
The “hustle more” mindset is a quick road to frustration, exhaustion, and ultimately, stagnation in your leadership journey. We often think that success will come if we just push harder, but all we’re doing is putting a bandage over deeper issues. Eventually, the cracks start to show—stress, frustration, resentment, or worse, burnout.
But Here’s What Everyone Misses:
Self-Compassion Is the Real Key to Leadership Success
Now, this may sound counterintuitive, but doing less and embracing self-compassion is often the secret ingredient to great leadership.
There is reason you’re asked to put your oxygen mask on before helping others. It’s not about being selfish or self-serving. In fact, the opposite – it’s how you put yourself in the best position possible to help your team.
And the more we extend compassion to ourselves, the more we see this in others, the more we observe the difference between intent and action, the better placed we are to drive success and maintain the energy of the team. A place of patience, understanding and kindness.
Because once a team disintegrates into self-interest it is game over. Self-compassion is a game changer.
Ah but you’re thinking "But won't I fall behind if I stop pushing myself?". Again false.
The reality is you’ll actually progress faster when you stop pushing against yourself.
As author and leadership coach Brené Brown says in her book Dare to Lead, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
The more we let go of perfection and practice self-compassion, the more we tap into our true leadership potential.
The Power of Self-Compassion in Leadership: Not Just Feeling Good, But Doing Good
So, what exactly does self-compassion look like in leadership?
When we practice self-compassion, we stop treating ourselves as projects to be “fixed” or tasks to be completed. Instead, we approach ourselves with the same empathy, understanding, and encouragement that we would give to a friend or colleague who is struggling.
Self-compassion in leadership is about:
Being kind to yourself when you make mistakes instead of letting self-criticism hold you back. In context you get much more right than wrong. In fact if you’re getting everything right it likely means you’re playing safe.
Embracing vulnerability and admitting that, as a leader, you don’t always have all the answers. And that’s okay. Your team know it anyway. But they can’t step up to help you if you’re not open to that help.
Allowing yourself to rest, recharge, and reflect—so you can return to leadership with more clarity and power.
In his book Self-Compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on the topic, argues that self-compassion isn’t about being soft or avoiding hard work; it’s about building emotional resilience. It’s about being able to bounce back from challenges, knowing that you’ll be okay—even if you don’t have all the answers or if things don’t go as planned.
The BRAVER Framework + Self-Compassion: A Match Made for Leaders
I read lots of leadership books and literature. I lap it up but it can become overwhelming so to help you out I’ve crafted a simple framework called BRAVER.
The BRAVER Framework is designed to help leaders navigate challenges with clarity and confidence. And guess what? Self-compassion is a central component of leading with bravery. Here’s how it fits into the framework:
B: Be Authentic
Practicing self-compassion helps you be authentic. You stop trying to be someone you're not—especially someone who can “do it all” or be “perfect” all the time. You embrace your imperfections and lead with true authenticity.R: Resilience
Self-compassion is essential for building resilience. You can’t keep bouncing back from challenges if you’re constantly berating yourself for every mistake. Self-compassion makes resilience easier because it helps you recover with grace and learn from the experience.A: Accountability
When you’re self-compassionate, holding yourself accountable doesn’t mean beating yourself up for every misstep. Instead, it means accepting responsibility and learning from your mistakes, without harsh self-criticism.V: Vulnerability
Vulnerability is a key part of leadership. And when you’re practicing self-compassion, you create the space to show vulnerability. You become comfortable with admitting that you don’t have all the answers, and that’s what builds trust within your team.E: Empathy
You can’t extend empathy to others if you don’t have it for yourself. Self-compassion allows you to understand your own struggles, which in turn makes you more empathetic to the challenges your team faces.R: Reflection
Compassionate reflection helps you learn from your experiences without judgment. You reflect on your actions and decisions with curiosity, not criticism, allowing you to grow as a leader.
Shifting from what holds you back to what propels you forwards
Techniques I teach through coaching from Positive Intelligence (PQ) plays a huge role. Positive Intelligence is all about shifting from your Saboteurs—the negative thought patterns that undermine your success—toward your Sage powers, which represent your best, most resourceful self.
Self-compassion is essential to this shift. Why? Because:
The Judge Saboteur: The voice that criticizes your every move and tells you that you're not good enough.
The Controller Saboteur: The voice that pushes you to control everything around you, often at the cost of your mental and physical health.
By practicing self-compassion, you can quiet these Saboteurs and activate your Sage perspective—the voice that’s kind, curious, and solution-oriented. This shift empowers you to lead from a place of wisdom and authenticity rather than fear and self-doubt.
Four ways to practice Self-Compassion as a Leader
Now that we understand why self-compassion is crucial for leadership, let’s get practical. How can you begin practicing self-compassion in your day-to-day leadership?
Acknowledge Your Emotions
Stop suppressing your emotions. When you’re stressed, frustrated, or overwhelmed, acknowledge it. It’s okay to feel this way. Self-compassion starts with acceptance. Journalling is a great way to capture this. A simple little A5 notebook that you can scribble down your end of day thoughts. Because the act of handwriting commits words to memory.Talk to Yourself Like a Friend
Next time you make a mistake, ask yourself: “What would I say to a friend who made the same mistake?” Most likely, you wouldn’t berate them. You’d encourage them to see the positive and move forwards. Why would you not take your own advice?Forgive Yourself
I often hear people talk about mistakes when they needed to go through an experience to learn from that how to make it better next time. They’re not super forecasters or mind-readers. Absolutely they now know how to make something better again but often if you label something as a mistake, you’ll invoke regret. And regret will rarely propel you forwards.
Everyone makes mistakes. Instead of holding onto guilt, practice self-forgiveness. What can you learn from this experience? That’s where growth happens.
Take Breaks
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Leadership requires energy, and that energy comes from rest. Don’t just work hard—work smart and take time to recharge. I’m still needing to learn this one. No-one’s perfect.
But as a keen runner, I would observe we’re all capable of building stamina over time. If you’re running this comes from exercise and rest and both need to be in sync with each other. At work we often see rest as wasteful rather than something that improves our performance.
What works for major sports teams and in the military must translate in the office too.
Brave Leaders use Compassion to Lead with Power
Leadership isn’t just about making decisions and achieving goals—it’s about leading from a place of emotional intelligence and compassion. By practicing self-compassion, you can create a leadership style that is authentic, resilient, and empowering, not just for you, but for those you lead.
When you integrate self-compassion with the BRAVER Framework and leverage Positive Intelligence, you unlock a leadership potential that is sustainable, empathetic, and powerful.
The next time you face a challenging moment as a leader, pause and ask yourself: How can I lead with more compassion—towards myself and others?
It’s not about perfection—it’s about progress. And that’s the key to becoming a great leader.
Join the 30-Day Leadership Accelerator
If you’re ready to integrate self-compassion into your leadership style and unlock your true potential, join the 30-Day Leadership Accelerator today. This program will help you build a leadership approach that is grounded in self-compassion, authenticity, and confidence.
Sign up today to start your transformation and to make it easier still for you, I’ve made this free through to end of summer 2025:
Join the 30-Day Leadership Accelerator
All we ever want is to unlock your authentic leadership and create the impact you’re meant to have.
