How to beat imposter syndrome

The paradox of Imposter Syndrome is that feeling that you really can’t win.

Find yourself set a challenge that’s new and discomforting?   You get that feeling of not being good enough, under-qualified or under-prepared for the challenge.

Find yourself overcoming a challenge?   You get that feeling of having tricked your way to success, that it really wasn’t that tough a challenge after all or searching around for evidence that others are equally if not more successful.

Today we’re looking at the trait of being a soloist in your work.   Imposter Syndrome shows up for all of us in different guises but one thing in common is the way that voice in our head seeks to and quite effectively manages to compare us to others and in the process sets us apart from the pack.

Imposter Syndrome has a habit of tempting us into being a soloist in our work and life.  

We may appear to be part of a team but secretly or not so secretly we’re looking to the left and right and comparing ourselves with others – because deep inside we lack the confidence to own our place in the race.  

To feel worthy of our existence, who we are and what we bring.

Even where we lead a team of others, deep inside that voice is telling us not even we understand how we’ve got to this position and sooner or later those in our team – if they’ve not already spotted this – are going to find out we’re out of our depth and certainly out of our league.

The cruel aspect of the Imposter is that he seeks to separate us from others and in doing so amplifies the effect of Imposter Syndrome by depriving us of the practical help and empathy of others.  He seeks to keep us emotionally apart from others, to lock our vulnerabilities away.   Imposter Syndrome teaches us a number of untruths such as:

-        Things are only worth pursuing if you do it alone.  Often this one stems from low-self esteem and self-worth.   Your Imposter is demanding that you compare yourself with others and through that comparison, to separate out your actions from those of others in an attempt to prove your worth and value

-        Seeking out help is a sign of weakness that shows others what you’re not capable of.   Here the Imposter seeks to remind you primarily of your shortcomings but also a warning against putting yourself in a situation where this shortcoming may be noticed by others.  Because let’s face it – you’re a fraud and don’t really deserve to be here.

-        When disaster looms, you broke it, so you fix it.  Here the Imposter seeks to amplify the sense of inadequacy and imminent failure – it is much more focussed on culpability than actually fixing things.

Imposter Syndrome tempts us into being soloists. 

It tells us even when help is nearby and available, if we seek it out, it’s an admission of weakness.  

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy both look at how our mindset determines or influences our actions.  This can become self-reinforcing for good or for bad.

At the risk of over simplifying let’s say two people are driving separate cars and they both approach the same junction.   Another driver cuts across their path.  They both have experienced the same action in front of them.   And yet what they do next is different for both.

Let’s say Janice in the first car sees the driver cut across her path.  She sighs to herself – this happens all the time, the road signs in this part of town are confusing and visitors from out of town are always misunderstanding how to navigate the junction – Janice smiles as she remembers driving the wrong way down a street during that family vacation in Italy.  Janice resolves when she arrives at work to send an email to the highway department to see what can be done.   And when she gets home at night, the family dinner table discussion is all about their next vacation trip.

Bob in the second car sees the driver cut across his path.  He’s already at risk of being late for work and at this junction when people cut across it means those people following the rules end up getting stuck at never ending red lights.   Bob beeps his horn and remonstrates with the driver crossing the junction.   Feeling enraged by injustice, Bob loses focus and concentration and then narrowly manages to hit the brakes before driving into the vehicle ahead of him. Bob arrives at work fractionally later than he might have but really struggles to get it together the whole morning. Just after lunch he finishes up for the day unable to concentrate, reliving the events of the morning and wary of every driver on his journey home.

Of course neither Janice or Bob know what was going on with the driver of the other car.   They may have perceived what was happening but in reality it was only in their imagination.  Neither had mind-reading capabilities to truly know.  And yet, on the basis of supposition, both took different actions with different consequences.  Solely based on perception and belief, nothing else.

Two different outcomes from the same circumstance – the thing that makes the difference is perception or belief.   An acronym for this is ABC.  

-        Activating event

-        Belief

-        Consequence

Which means that people can experience the same thing and yet the consequence is different only due to the belief or perception each person has.

If you’re prone to Imposter Syndrome then that middle B is super important.  Those soloist beliefs go on to create consequences.  And often, the consequences reinforce the beliefs we hold.

John’s been invited by his manager to prepare a pitch deck for a client the company has been pursuing for some time.  It’s the first time John’s been invited to do this and it’s quite an accolade and responsibility which John’s Imposter Syndrome tells him is a make-or-break moment for him.  

John’s Imposter Syndrome belief is things are only worth doing if you do it alone.  The way John sees things – he’s worked hard to win the trust of his manager and this is the moment to show not just what he’s made of but what he’s been all along.   He's got this far through struggling against adversity, he's not stopping now. Leaning on others would show weakness before he’d even tried and the “glory” from winning the pitch would have to be shared by everyone who contributed.   John would be un-noticed and wouldn’t have truly earned the respect of his team.

John works long and hard into the night preparing his pitch deck.   He chooses to decline the offer of help from Candice who’d won a new contract for the company recently, concerned that by involving Candice it might make him look weak and that he’d had to borrow someone else’s ideas.

The next day John presents his sample pitch – the feedback from John’s manager is quick and to the point.  “John I like some of the ideas in here but you know, this is your first time creating a pitch and it frankly needs some finessing to the realities of what this pitch is going to be like.  I appreciate the hard work, but I’m puzzled why you didn’t reach out to Daryl and Candice who’ve a lot more experience.  We now have a bit of a rush on our hands to get this pitch right before it can go to the client.”

It's still not enough.   Cowed by the feedback John returns to his desk and spends a further hour trying to fix what’s wrong.    “I broke it, so I have to fix it”.   He looks back at past pitches done by Candice and Daryl struggling to see what’s different, and what to do differently.   The deadline for submission ticks ever closer.

After an hour Candice drops by and has a quiet word with John.   “You need to know we’ve all been through this.   This is your pitch.  We are not your competition.  The competition’s all the other guys vying for this contract.  If we don’t submit the bid on time, they’ve already won.   Time is against you, let us help”.

Every fibre of John’s Imposter is telling him to resist the offer of help as it is a sign of his weakness but also, as Imposter Syndrome wants him to believe, accepting an offer of help will allow Candice and everyone else in the office to see his weaknesses laid bare also.

Thankfully for John, Candice is mature enough to sense what’s going on and helps anyway.   Through greater experience and access to templates of past work, Candice takes away a lot of the grunt effort allowing John’s ideas to come through more clearly.    “It’s still your work John, I’ve just used a few tricks of the trade to help people see the ideas more clearly”, she adds.

Activating event, belief, consequence.  One scenario where a pitch is won or not even submitted at all, all hinging on a belief.

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Imposter Syndrome can make us believe we have to be the soloist, to prove to ourselves more than to others that we are actually capable.  Imposter Syndrome prohibits showing vulnerability and in doing so it keeps us locked out from accessing help even when it is freely available.  Imposter Syndrome tells us accepting help is resigned defeat, an admittance that we’re not up to the job ourselves.

It is all of course untrue.  And yet beliefs create consequences that often reinforce what we believed in the first place.

Take a moment now to look back at the last time you found yourself with a difficult task that you were mostly tackling alone.   What are the beliefs you hold you back?   Challenge yourself to evidence the truth behind that belief.   Ask yourself what might be the impact if the belief turned out not to be true.

“I did it my way” worked for Sinatra but it’s only really true when we have our Imposter Syndrome truly in check.

The route out of Imposter Syndrome starts with you.   Be you.

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Out there are many people suffering from imposter syndrome – I’m grateful for you sharing Thriving Leader with others.