When the past defines you

Sometimes the world seems against you. The journey may leave a scar. But scars can heal and reveal just who you are

Whether you’ve seen Disney’s Moana or not there’s a reason why so many of the movies we grew up are founded on the doubtful hero, the weight of expectations and self-doubt and overcoming adversity to realise who we are and who we can become.  They are stories we can resonate with – that pivotal crossroads in life where we allow who we were to define us or we step through and become who we are.

Back on dry-land from Disney movies, most of us aren’t charged with ridding the kingdom of evil or taking our people across vast oceans to distant lands.   But life still gives us pivotal crossroads where we are invited let to past define us or take that step beyond.  

Today we’re dipping into the work Taibi Kahler’s five drivers. 

Like so many things the concept of Kahler’s five drivers can be used to help us understand our natural happy state of play and how we can productively interact with others.  And like so many things when overplayed they can also be fertile ground for our Imposter Syndrome.

Kahler’s work attempted to encapsulate a style that drives us forward.  It’s a default style that we tend to adopt under some circumstances but overplayed it can also be how we expect others to behave when they interact with us and the way we validate ourselves.

Simple maths tells us if Kahler has five drivers then if we only believe in our own, things won’t end well.   And from the perspective of Imposter Syndrome this is where is gets interesting – when we resolutely judge ourselves and everything around us through this one single lens.

Where do our drivers come from?

Like so many traits our drivers build from an early age and the cues of the world around us.  But we also know from the concept of neuroplasticity that these traits are not set resolutely in stone.  We can modify and learn new patterns if we want.

Just before you blame all this on your parents – it’s about remembering you can change this if you wish.

The first of these drivers – be perfect

If you like double and triple checking things, reading all of the report, not just the abstract, have a colour co-ordinated diary management system and serious about completing your tasks then “be perfect” may sum you up.

Working with others you may be intolerant, even downright impatient with those who don’t meet your standards.  You may be distracted by small obstacles needing to be thoroughly dealt with before you can move on.  You may end up doing lots of things yourself because let’s face it, no one can do it to your standards.

Your Imposter’s fertile breeding ground is in your perfectionism.  One small mistake in the view of others is enough to sow self-doubt in your capability.  Your tendency to take on what others can do, just not to your preferred standard creates stress, anxiety and overwork which then naturally permits mistakes for which you castigate yourself heavily

The second driver – try hard

If try hard has been a motto from your childhood then taking this into the adult workplace you’ll put your mind to anything if not everything to please people. 

Working with others you’re constantly empathising with others’ pain points and seeking to derive ways you can help even if it’s at a cost to what you already have on.  You may be diligent with a gut instinct for meeting the standards that will create happiness in others.  When the office coffee order has given Maria a full-fat instead of skinny-latte – even though you didn’t make the coffee or even go get the order your hand will be up first to go correct the mistake.

Your imposter’s fertile breeding ground is second guessing the needs and wants of others and then reacting poorly to suggestions for improvement or feedback which is taken brutally as a criticism of output and a clear failure to try hard.   People with a strong try-hard driver are like swimmers in a race who are so pre-occupied with looking left and right at the lanes others are in that they fail to realise they’re about to crash into the wall.

The third driver – hurry up

The hurry up driver is an impatient busy see always running from one place to another. Value is placed on speed and efficiency.   There are so many plates that can be spun that the hurry up person sets themselves the objective of spinning lots and then scurrying around madly to keep them spinning.  Unlike the be perfect driver, a few smashed and broken plates aren’t so much of a deal.

Working with others you have a high work output but because you’re cramming so much in may turn up late for some things or not show up at all.  If there is silence in the room, you’re likely to fill it which results in picking up more things up and not hanging around for long enough means you’re not always the greatest of listeners, instead hearing what you think you need and then moving on.

Your imposter’s fertile ground is never quite managing to get enough done.  Unresolved issues that you can’t get to, issues you can’t resolve quickly, feeling bogged down when in truth you’re waiting for others to catch up all trigger a “lack of progress” feeling that your imposter can exploit.

The fourth driver – please others

Please others, takes try hard to another level where the satisfaction of others is of primary importance.   A strong please others driver may prompt you to insert yourself into multiple circles in order to get more of the dopamine hit you crave from people loving being around you and feeling useful.

Around others you’re a dream to be with, will always give up your time, will care about your contentment and satisfaction and be highly empathetic.   But you may also struggle with everything you take on because NO is an impossible word to say.  And you may resist asserting yourself even when you’re right for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or causing an ill-ripple across the office.

Your imposter’s fertile breeding ground lies in never quite knowing what is in other people’s heads to make them happy and keep it that way.   Your imposter may tempt you to resist intervening and even withdraw from any situation that could be construed as conflict.  When something has gone wrong in a team, your imposter will tell you more than likely it was your fault.  Even if it wasn’t, your imposter might tell you it was your fault for not foreseeing and preventing it.

The fifth driver – be strong

The be strong driver drives people to never really quite reveal what is going on inside.   If this is you, you can be consistent, driven, stoic, true to your values and ideas regardless of criticism.

Within a team it can be hard to figure out what’s on the mind of someone with a be strong driver as sharing emotions isn’t seen as important or critical to success.  And it’s hard to see when someone with a be strong driver is struggling.

And this is the ground the imposter occupies – setting both a high standard of personal delivery and the conditions where revealing struggles, emotions or need for help as a sign of lacking sufficient strength – can one every be strong enough?   Even when help is needed, the imposter will frame asking for it as a sign of concession.

Use your understanding of Drivers to control your imposter

Drivers can be harnessed as a source of strength

Drivers themselves are not a bad thing.  They can be a source of strength.  And they can work harmoniously with others.   Where drivers become excessively strong or one driver dominates over another then like most overplayed strengths this is where the challenges begin.

Temper rather than seek to eradicate your driver.   Think how it works in conjunction with others who have a similar driver or contrasting drivers

Recognise the story behind your strongest driver

When I talk to my coaching clients about drivers, most can trace theirs and values back to childhood, their upbringing, key characters in their lives, parents, school and academic cultures, all learned and reinforced.

Drivers get reinforced through constant practice.  They can drown out other styles of thinking and being and in short become who we are without realising this.  One way to defuse their powers if you’re finding your driver is the source of your Imposter Syndrome is to recognise where the story comes from.  Dissecting and associating the story with its origin can be a helpful way of stepping through the process of deciding whether

Give your imposter shape and colour using your driver insight

If you know your driver then you can extend the driver into its worst manifestation – this is where the imposter lies and you can give it a name.   For example if you’ve Hurry Up as a driver and you recognise the worst aspects of this and how it triggers imposter syndrome – you can call it Henry.

This might sound slightly odd but naming our imposter is a way of us coming to terms with accepting it exists but also that we can recognise the imposter as he creeps up on us, we know his worst aspects and what he is willing us to believe, think and do.

The people you love will change you. The things you have learned will guide you. Do you know who you are?