The imposter syndrome antidote
There’s no doubting that work and life creating challenges. The work of the imposter is to convince you that you’re not good enough to overcome them and even if you do, it’s by sheer luck and fluke that you made it over the bar. It won’t happen again.
The imposter is a cruel character. He’s present when you’ve enjoyed moderate success, reminding you that some form of failure is just around the corner. Even when you’re feeling “up” the imposter sows those seeds of self-doubt that your naivety if blocking you from seeing that secretly people are laughing at you.
In today’s story let’s introduce you to Kaija who moved to London from her hometown in Finland after university and has built a moderately successful career in business consulting that has taken her on trips around the world, helping lots of different businesses with their challenges. Rising through the ranks of her original consulting firm she takes a job offer from a smaller consulting company, taking on her first major leadership role – being a leader of leaders.
For many – taking on the leader of leaders role is a big step. In junior supervisory leaders of others roles, Kaija thrived knowing that she had the advantage of knowledge and experience over everyone in her team. There were times where strong characters she inherited in her teams made her have moments of panic and self-doubt that her knowledge and experience was being challenged, but she got by.
And yet here she was now – taking on the first leader of leaders role where she could no longer rely on knowledge and experience alone to quieten her imposter syndrome. The first couple of months in this role felt brutal. Just like those first few months when she first started in consultancy Kaija spent long hours devoted to her work, losing sleep, eating poorly, neglecting her emotional needs in order to satisfy the imposter who kept telling her:
· These leaders are really smart
· They’re actually smarter than you
· Someday someone is going to figure this out
· Someday they’re going to realise they don’t really need you
· You’ll not be wanted
· You don’t belong here
In darker moments, sleep-deprived – the voice of the imposter called out, particularly in late evenings when the office was quiet, when she was struggling with an idea to move forwards. One evening, an email from her boss appeared requesting an urgent meeting the next morning. There was no possibility of sleep that night.
Fearing this to be the moment where she’d be found out, that behind her back some of her team had outed her as the fraud, Kaija stepped into her boss’ office attempting to sense the mood and aware that sleep-deprived those senses had long since abandoned her. This was it. The moment had come.
Except it hadn’t, yet. Her boss explained that one of peers, Bill, had to take time out of the business and there was a major conference he was supposed to present at and could Kaija cover for this. Old Kaija would have leapt at the chance, yet these new Kaija wearily said yes with an inner voice that was really calling danger, further exposure beckons. What to do now. She’d said yes to something she instantly felt incapable of doing.
At this point Kaija reached out to Marta, a former colleague at her previous consulting firm for help – someone she knew and trusted and who knew the brutal world of consulting. Marta listened and could see and sense this change in Kaija – now more senior, theoretically more powerful person yet smaller in spirit, battered and broken by her imposter.
“I’m worried for you Kaija”, she said gently, restraining herself from mentioning that though it had only been six months since they’d worked together, Kaija appeared to have aged at least six years and then some. Marta sensed the need to help Kaija with self-care instead of he self-loathing that the imposter had created.
“Can you remember Kyle”? Kyle was an intern at their old company who’d Kaija had mentored and nurtured during his time with the company. “He asked that I say Hi to you, he’s doing really well now, got taken on by the company and is working up into his first project leader position and he wanted to remind you that he’d not be where he is now with you”.
“Also, our women in leadership circle that you started to organise? Well that’s grown in strength and we’re now working with a charity that helps victims of domestic abuse, taking our skills outside the company”
“Do you remember that speech you gave in Singapore? They’re running the conference again and have asked where you’re working now as they’d love to have you back as keynote”
Bit by bit, Marta recalled moments where they’d worked together, where Kaija’s skills, gifts and influence had started legacies that had continued long after she left. It wasn’t with the intention of winning Kaija back over to her former company. Instead reminding her in this darker moment of the impact her skills have on others and how she was and is valued by others.
In our moments of greatest self-doubt
The imposter is given fertile ground to exaggerate those doubts and selectively present us with evidence of all out failings, our shortcomings and blind us to what may be good about ourselves.
Even if you’re British, it’s not boastful to be mindful of the gifts and qualities that you bring but this can be hard to summon in dark times.
If the imposter lurks around the corner in your life then you can build your “imposter syndrome antidote” that you can bring out when the moment strikes.
How to build an antidote
When the imposter starts to appear, you’ll need the antidote to self-doubt and criticism. A counter-argument that you can bring out when needed.
For me, I’ve retained cards people have sent me and hand-written when I’ve moved on from a job. Although these invariably have lots of generic – good luck, you’ll be missed type messages in there, search hard enough and a few folk will likely have written some really specific ways in which your presence touched their life. Not just “thanks for getting that project over the line”, but touching, personal messages of impact. Here lies the secret formula for building your imposter antidote.
Next, take a journal or any kind of notebook and sketch out your career so far into chapters. Some people find this easiest to do in time chunks, others find it easier to do in terms of jobs or project arcs. Whatever really works for you that describes a “period in your life”.
In each of these chapters write down your achievements.
· Anything you gained external acclaim for
· How you grew as a person across that period
· Significant challenges you overcame
· People you helped to be better
· How you left the camp in a better place than when you found it
Push harder to make the antidote all the more effective
Dig deep. Now is not the time to be shy or reticent about this. Push hard and think how would it have been if I were not there personally – what did I bring that no-one else did. Write it all down.
Now take a step back from this and write one or two sentences that describes this chapter in your life. For example:
“The time when I first stood up to injustice”
“The time when I proved the doubters wrong”
“The time I saw potential in someone no-one else did”
“The time I was personally courageous beyond my comfort zone”
Now keep this all somewhere safe and accessible. In a dark moment you can reach this stuff in under a minute.
Using the antidote as a vaccine
It’s not enough to hold an antidote you need to learn how to use it and there are techniques where you can use this like vaccine that can stop the imposter from even taking a hold in the first place. Prevention is better than cure.
Habits start with simple specific rules. Build one. Here’s an example.
Each Friday (trigger event)
At 8am before my workday starts (more specific event)
I will pull out my antidote kit (specific action)
I will cast over the week and identify one incident where my antidote saved the day (specific action)
I will write that in my antidote kit in no more than two sentences
This will remind me of the strength of my antidote kit and its versatility (result)
Sometimes you’ll not be able to self-administer the antidote
In Kaija’s story things had gotten so bad that just having the antidote wasn’t going to be enough. She did a really great thing which is reach out to Marta.
Each of us can behave like our own CEO and have a board of advisors around us. Your advisors provide different services – the reflector, the coach, the confidante, the emotional hug and this case the person who can administer your antidote.
For there will be times when the imposter has taken hold to a point where it’s difficult for us to administer the antidote for ourselves, we need help to do this. You can set this up in advance. You can even set up a deal where you offer the same service back.
You’ve been here before
All of us possess positive qualities and achievements. We all have the capacity to accomplish things. In our darkest moments, when the imposter is at the height of his powers – these are the moments where it’s the toughest to respond with just the thought of positive thought.
But with a little self-organisation and self-reflection, we can build the answer in advance. Who knows, maybe it’ll never be needed. Maybe just knowing you have the antidote makes the imposter stay away. All you can be is, prepared.
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If this matters to you - let’s chat about your imposter and how I can help you put it back in its box. https://oncehub.com/careersredesigned
Out there are many people suffering from imposter syndrome – I’m grateful for you sharing Thriving Leader with others.
